A Real ShitShow

Went down to the Fremont Market to say what up to my friend Court at his booth today before work. Scored a rad t-shirt, but that's not the point of this particular post. Before skating over the bridge from Fremont to South Lake Union it was decided that I had to take a piss and Court felt the same way about the contents of his bladder so we hit up the Peet's coffee shop on Fremont Ave.

Where the shit went down

Peet's seems like a hotbed for homeless dudes and other wayfarers to do their business. Like Starbucks, the bathrooms are free and anyone can use them without being hassled into buying a coffee or even hounding the counter staff for a key.
It was a fairly busy day in Fremont so there were a few people that had the same idea of using these particular restrooms as us. We walked in and found that the men's room was occupied which was no big deal except we started to hear the toilet flush a number of times while we waited.

Not the culprit

"There's probably some homeless dude taking a gnarly shit in there", Court commented.
It was a 1 person bathroom so we really had no choice but to wait. We had already come so far and I really didn't want to skate all the way to my j-o without taking a piss first. While we waited and the flushing continued several females came and went from the ladies' room. Court decided that he had had enough and let me know that I was up next for the men's room and that his intention was to use the ladies' at its next available occupancy, social norms be damned. He just didn't want to be involved with the men's room after whatever was going on in there had concluded.
No sooner had he staked his claim on the ladies' room when another chick came and used her gender-appropriate lavatory, barring Court from his mission. Then a dude came up and got in line behind us. (Actually he first asked us if we were waiting in line before I sarcastically replied that No, we were just hanging out by the restroom in Peet's)

Coulda been any one of 'em

Anyway one final flush rumbled from the men's room and it was finally my turn. (Court had forgone his place in line when he unsuccessfully laid claim to the ladies' room) And who finally walked out of that men's room? Not the stinky hobo that we were expecting to see, but a female! And not a homeless female or even a crusty gutter punk chick, but just a regular twenty-something gal. I didn't get the best look at her face because she bolted down the stairs (presumably embarrassed #1 at coming out of the men's room and #2 at all the flushing and subsequent stench she created), but judging by her clothes and physique it was safe to say that she was just a regular gal that wandered in to use the restroom on a day of window shopping in the market with her boyfriend or whatever. I imagined her man patiently waiting, sipping an iced coffee while his babe repeatedly flushed the contents of her guts away in the men's room.
When we saw her come out, Court and I looked at each other in shock. A girl! Holy Shit! I had to put the humor of the situation coupled with my vague social outrage aside and head in and take my piss because I was finally up and I didn't want to be late for work.

(Photographic Re-Enactment)

I wish that I were writing this in the future, at a time when smartphones will have a sensory component to them, allowing users to document smells as well as images and videos, because there really is no way for me to describe what it smelt like in there. My eyes were watering. I've smelt all kinds of shit in my day: sweet shit, sour shit, old shit, new shit, baby pooh, etc., but I ain't never smelled no shit like this before! The closest thing I could say it smelled like was halitosis, or what is more commonly known as epicly chronic bad breath, however it was most assuredly shit. How could such a little lady emit such a scent? I had no time to really ponder as I quickly pissed and and flushed the handle of the toilet with my Chukka Low. Not a chance in hell that I was sticking around to wash my hands or smooth my eyebrows over in the mirror or anything like that. I burst out of that bathroom so fast, I nearly kissed the ground at Court's feet I was so happy that the experience was over. We were fucking dying with laughter.
My original intention was to get a coffee on the way out. Nope. Wasn't gonna happen.
Can you imagine if Court or I had ended poaching the ladies' room in a similar situation? Can you imagined if we had poohed?
I can't believe she got away with that shit...