Hello, blogosphere. I wanted to check in with you and let you know that I'm doing okay. I'm not all up in the mix as much these days. I was a vibrant participant. Now I'm just a lurker and observer, where I should be at this time. You see, I recently quit my band and it was part of my perceived duties in that band to always be on the computer and the telephone talking about that band and how wonderful it is. And I did and do believe that. What a great band. But I started to feel like an actor and a whore when I began to operate with friends and people I met in the real world with the same bloggy douchiness that I littered the walls of the internet with. I think the lines were beginning to blur for me in a way that part of myself was really uncomfortable with. I didn't feel like myself anymore and the people I should've felt close to I felt like I was drifting farther and farther apart from as the band became more about the music and less about the friendship. I felt like we were all lying to each other and ourselves and especially to others in the rock n roll community of which I am so grateful to have been a part. I wanted to keep it honest. I wanted to keep it hardcore which for me meant a certain goofiness and good natured self depreciation and honesty that I felt others in the band were almost knowingly try to shed in favor of an edgier, more ruthless, more "punk" way of being. And I'm not referring to the music. The music and the shows were excellent and only getting better in my opinion but the atmosphere and vibe of the band to me (and more importantly my perception of myself) became a contrived and stale misrepresentation of reality. I don't want to talk shit and I want things to work out for the band. I want them to continue to play our songs and sing my words and reconfigure or find another singer that works and makes sense. I just don't want to lie to them and to myself and that's what I felt had been happening and so I stopped it. I'm not proud that I lost mind and maybe I do need help but I finally realized that if the band itself was not making me crazy then touring and performing was certainly a catalyst and either way I had to stop. Thank you for listening internet. It was fun being all up in yer guts. I'll be watching you, but you won't be watching me.
3 comments:
First off it’s a shame that you can’t talk to your friends and explain how you feel honestly. Second it’s a shame you won’t answer or return phone calls to people that certainly believed you to be a friend and certainly went out of their way in life to make yours easier whether it through emotional or financial support or a place to stay for months or getting you jobs etc. Blogging on the internet about our band and friendships is not how I ever perceived you to be as a person and it seems the life you lead and the words you wrote were all a lie. Friends are supposed to be honest with each other and I know I’ve personally been there for you. I am not even mad that you left our band in the middle of tour but the way you handled it was terrible. With that being said I stood on the street and called hospitals and the police and your friends because I was concerned with your well being as a close personal friend of mine. You have chosen to show no care or courtesy for me as a friend or even a human being and that has nothing to do with the band. The day driving to Burlington I talked with you and explicitly told you we are all friends first and band members second but you apparently didn’t care about the friendships and now you sit on your couch writing on the internet about it instead of retuning my phone calls and texts. Now I felt the need to reduce myself to your Internet level just so you can know how I feel and the truth of the whole situation. This band and its members have never tried to be something or someone that they are not, look at the way we are as individuals and dress and act its never changed since before any of us were in this fun punk hardcore band. SMJ will always be a band of brothers never taking ourselves too seriously in subject matter and life. Trying to make a band work means promotion and touring and that has never been woven with a single lie or fake behavior. That is all in your head and we are all still the same people playing the funny badass punk tunes we love. With these individuals there will never be anything but honesty and we are all aware we are in a band to have fun and play music we love. I think you just let your head skew the truth for you about yourself all of us as individuals and as a band. Even through all of this I hope you get help and feel better and reality comes better into focus. I hope we can have conversations as friends and I don’t have to talk to the guys and find this weird diatribe on the internet. This shit is very weird to me I assumed we would just have lunch today and shoot the shit so I could understand where you’re coming from but apparently this is how you feel and you couldn’t even tell us face to face. I still love you but this hurts from someone I trusted and looked out for and thought of as a good friend.
Jon its bobby from pearl street, hit me up if you get this ever, been trying to get a hold of you, living in oregon now...
venuex@yahoo.com
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