Hello, blogosphere. I wanted to check in with you and let you know that I'm doing okay. I'm not all up in the mix as much these days. I was a vibrant participant. Now I'm just a lurker and observer, where I should be at this time. You see, I recently quit my band and it was part of my perceived duties in that band to always be on the computer and the telephone talking about that band and how wonderful it is. And I did and do believe that. What a great band. But I started to feel like an actor and a whore when I began to operate with friends and people I met in the real world with the same bloggy douchiness that I littered the walls of the internet with. I think the lines were beginning to blur for me in a way that part of myself was really uncomfortable with. I didn't feel like myself anymore and the people I should've felt close to I felt like I was drifting farther and farther apart from as the band became more about the music and less about the friendship. I felt like we were all lying to each other and ourselves and especially to others in the rock n roll community of which I am so grateful to have been a part. I wanted to keep it honest. I wanted to keep it hardcore which for me meant a certain goofiness and good natured self depreciation and honesty that I felt others in the band were almost knowingly try to shed in favor of an edgier, more ruthless, more "punk" way of being. And I'm not referring to the music. The music and the shows were excellent and only getting better in my opinion but the atmosphere and vibe of the band to me (and more importantly my perception of myself) became a contrived and stale misrepresentation of reality. I don't want to talk shit and I want things to work out for the band. I want them to continue to play our songs and sing my words and reconfigure or find another singer that works and makes sense. I just don't want to lie to them and to myself and that's what I felt had been happening and so I stopped it. I'm not proud that I lost mind and maybe I do need help but I finally realized that if the band itself was not making me crazy then touring and performing was certainly a catalyst and either way I had to stop. Thank you for listening internet. It was fun being all up in yer guts. I'll be watching you, but you won't be watching me.
